Inside The University of Melbourne

These days students are often distracted continually. Whether it be social media, Netflix or Gaming, the ability to keep attention on one topic for prolonged periods of time is rather hard. The dopamine frenzy young people are often exposed to these days are at levels that people of yesteryear would be astounded by.

I often wondered whenever I had a big exam to study for, what was it that drove me to study? Was it the comfort of knowing I had understood the content and would be ready? In my case no, it was Fear of failure. I would always think about how horrible it would be if I failed. The hours of energy put into re-doing something and making sure everyone knew I had failed would be enough of a deterrent that the thought of it would often make me feel guilty that I wasn’t studying hard enough.

Couple the above with very clear boundaries for things I would hope to achieve, and I had a recipe that generally worked rather well. I also made found ways to reward myself as I got closer to achieving the goal and of course after meeting it too.

However, this worked for me and everyone is different, so I’m sure there’s variants of this people adopt that gets them through.

Sometimes I wonder how people end up where they do. What things had to fall in place for them to get there. What ideas they needed to conceive. What environment they needed to grow up in.

I often introspectively wonder the same for myself. So many things needed to work out, and through sheer chance or luck, ideas came to me that happened to shape the direction of my life. Weather it’s a big choice I made, a person I met or a goal that I set out to achieve, often there are numerous influences around me that got me there.

You could sit there analysing all these in extensive detail and writing them down, but a part of me stays fatalistic and feels rather glad that some things “just happen”. I often feel that maybe I’m a passenger in a greater universe and that my destination is often out of my control, I’m a vessel working hard, but ultimately there’s a pre-defined set of trajectories that are meant for me.

There are often many limiting factors for outcomes in one’s life, weather its genetics, wealth, environment, or ambition, these are often hard to break free from, and I’ve seen numerous individuals go above and beyond what those around them were able to achieve. That’s something special and worth savouring for sure.

Whatever faith you come from I’m sure there’s an element of fate and destiny in most peoples’ beliefs and I feel incredibly comfortable and grateful at where I’ve ended up so far.

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As a man, you’re expected to protect, love and care of a woman, at times resulting in your own suffering.

But what happens when the woman you’re putting all this energy into, is the one causing you indefinite amounts of pain? What do you do? Do you turn on her and call her out on the pain she’s giving you?

Or maybe you persevere in the hope that things will improve and will be back to where it was previously.

Or perhaps, you realised that she’s Damaged Goods that simply isn’t worth loving anymore.

When a man leaves a damaged woman, he’s shamed for it, called selfish.
“You left her when she needed you, you selfish bastard!”

Yet when a woman leaves a damaged man (Which most women are attracted to), she’s praised
“You go girl, you deserve better!”

They say, “You’re the average of the five people you spend the most time around”, now if your partner is one and suffers from episodes of manic depression and emotional instability, think about how quickly that average will be brought down. Yet people persevere for years upon years, hoping and wishing for things to return to where they were, and in the process, becoming lesser versions of themselves. The bitterness of being a shadow of your former self is one that’s hard to swallow and resentment towards the partner only grows, until you become so damaged that eventually it makes sense to split.

COVID was an interesting period. I came across numerous individuals that went through nasty divorces and splits during the lockdowns. So many issues that were often brushed under the rug or drowned out by the noise of day-to-day life were now under the spotlight. Sharing space with someone you were resenting became so much harder without an escape route every day.

A friend of mine recently caught up with talking about how his ex-wife is now going through the same issues that he faced during his marriage with her new partner. A part of me wondered if “Damaged” individuals can ever recover to a state in which they are able to sustain healthy relationships. Or just require someone who is willing to put up the problems until they cannot anymore. Being a cynic, I realise people don’t often fully change, and it’s generally just incremental changes at most and even that becomes more difficult with age.

So, if you’re in a difficult phase with someone Damaged, consider the usual routes like Couples counselling, or a well-calculated break as means to try to address the issues at hand but don’t feel bad about calling it quits when nothing works. Often, it’s women that do the leaving, but Men shouldn’t feel too guilty in doing the same. Just think, would you want to put up with this for another 10, 20, 30 years?