The BS of Closure

A classic post that every man should read.

Closure Is BS

As a man, you don’t need closure.

A girl either wants to bang you or she doesn’t. A long, emotional conversation will not change this fact.

Girls, however, need to put a man they are dumping into a desexualized box and wrap a pretty bow of closure around it. By participating in the closure process, you are helping her tie the bow around your desexualized fate.

If a girl breaks up with you:
Do not talk about your feelings
Do not talk about her feelings
Do not argue with her reasons
Just accept it and grieve on your own time.

This is hard.

Why?

Because a woman will never give her ACTUAL reasons for breaking up with you. She will only give you society-approved bullshit that makes her look innocent.

She will never say “you didn’t screw me good enough” or “you’re too nice and not exciting” or “no other girl I know wants to fuck you so something must be wrong with you”.

She will say “I’m really busy with school and work and don’t have time for a relationship now” or “you’re great but I’m not ready for anything serious” or “I care about you as a friend”.

Sometimes the reasons she gives will be SO false, such obvious flowery bullshit, that you will feel a deep burning need to set her straight, to correct her misunderstanding.

Don’t.

You can’t logic a woman.

You can say “Ok”, walk away with a smirk and never contact her again.
Being robbed of emotionally dripping closure, she’ll always feel a little incomplete.

Why didn’t he fight harder for me?
Did I really not get to his emotions?
Am I not as desirable to him as I thought?
Is he more desirable than I thought?

Girls have egos. They WANT to know you’re emotional about her breaking up with you. It validates her. So don’t do it.
You want a girl dumping you to question her reasons, not verify them.

When a girl dumps you, you want to be able to look back on how your handled it with pride.
When you give a girl closure, you give her your pride.

Hypergamy for Men

There’s often talk of hypergamy for women, marrying a higher status male to elevate herself in the sexual marketplace, but what about for men?

I recently was thinking about this. There’s the common saying of a man “Batting above his average” when he is with a girl that is often more beautiful than he is handsome, but everyone whose reading this would know that a man’s sexual market value (SMV) is generally derived more from factors besides looks. His social status, wealth, demeanour and confidence all play a part, and a man scoring highly on those areas will not have much of a problem nabbing a worthy girl.

However, there’s also another lens which gets overlooked rather often these days. The value of a girl with innocence who hasn’t been cock carouselled like the vast majority. Being chaste isn’t rewarded as a man, but is as a woman. Any player can bang and commit to a carousel rider that’s ridden an array of dudes after hitting puberty but girls who actually value their hymen are few and far between and less likely to spread for a guy with a massive notch count.

It would be rare seeing a guy with a solid triple digit notch count with a virgin, or a low notch girl, but if that is a metric which means something to the player and that goal is achieved a part of me sees that as almost hypergamous for the male. As documented, there are numerous benefits of having a low or no notch partner, and in a world where everyone fucks everyone, a hint of innocence is refreshing.

The references to past experiences, the emotional damage from exes, the uncontrollable comparisons to guys from the past – these are all things that women often do without realising and make it harder for them to bond to a man after they’ve had their fill of “fun” so to speak. So it makes total sense for a guy to want someone whose not going to have a large spectrum of experiences. “My ex” this and “My ex” that conversations should come up briefly in the beginning once you get to know one another but having those as a constant feature throughout a relationship is simply toxic and avoiding the risk of that is always going to be more desirable.

I’ve always held firm that “Men lie, women lie, notches don’t” when it comes to desirability in the sexual marketplace and I truly can’t believe if a girl is perpetually used by dozens of guys that she’ll have a personality, warmth or femininity left in her to be as desirable as she once was. Setting that hard boundary on what you can accept as a man is a trait most guys these days don’t have anymore, either through constant societal pressures or thirst.

Damaged Goods

As a man, you’re expected to protect, love and care of a woman, at times resulting in your own suffering.

But what happens when the woman you’re putting all this energy into, is the one causing you indefinite amounts of pain? What do you do? Do you turn on her and call her out on the pain she’s giving you?

Or maybe you persevere in the hope that things will improve and will be back to where it was previously.

Or perhaps, you realised that she’s Damaged Goods that simply isn’t worth loving anymore.

When a man leaves a damaged woman, he’s shamed for it, called selfish.
“You left her when she needed you, you selfish bastard!”

Yet when a woman leaves a damaged man (Which most women are attracted to), she’s praised
“You go girl, you deserve better!”

They say, “You’re the average of the five people you spend the most time around”, now if your partner is one and suffers from episodes of manic depression and emotional instability, think about how quickly that average will be brought down. Yet people persevere for years upon years, hoping and wishing for things to return to where they were, and in the process, becoming lesser versions of themselves. The bitterness of being a shadow of your former self is one that’s hard to swallow and resentment towards the partner only grows, until you become so damaged that eventually it makes sense to split.

COVID was an interesting period. I came across numerous individuals that went through nasty divorces and splits during the lockdowns. So many issues that were often brushed under the rug or drowned out by the noise of day-to-day life were now under the spotlight. Sharing space with someone you were resenting became so much harder without an escape route every day.

A friend of mine recently caught up with talking about how his ex-wife is now going through the same issues that he faced during his marriage with her new partner. A part of me wondered if “Damaged” individuals can ever recover to a state in which they are able to sustain healthy relationships. Or just require someone who is willing to put up the problems until they cannot anymore. Being a cynic, I realise people don’t often fully change, and it’s generally just incremental changes at most and even that becomes more difficult with age.

So, if you’re in a difficult phase with someone Damaged, consider the usual routes like Couples counselling, or a well-calculated break as means to try to address the issues at hand but don’t feel bad about calling it quits when nothing works. Often, it’s women that do the leaving, but Men shouldn’t feel too guilty in doing the same. Just think, would you want to put up with this for another 10, 20, 30 years?


Day to day things

These days it doesn’t even seem like a surprise anymore, I wonder what’s next? A transgendered individual?

Do people really change?

Think about all the things that made you who you are. The years of character building experiences. The way you were raised. The way people treated you. The way you perceive yourself. These all culminate into creating who you are now.

I always wonder if people do change.

Do they?

Well, I think sometimes you have life altering experiences or trauma that can change you permanently. Weather its a near-death experience, or something like a loss of someone close to you, these can leave you a different person.

But what about character “Flaws”.

Well, these are a bit harder, the deeper you get into your life, the harder it becomes to change. You get more in-tune with yourself and more stubborn. It’s a lot harder to change a 40 year old than a 18 year old.

I was thinking the other day, have I changed much?

Yes, I’ve lived around the globe and experienced so much, but who I am as a person, that’s still fundamentally in-tact. I know of this girl I used to date way back, we always used to fight, always. Ultimately, she was raised in a family where she had absent parents and constantly needed attention. I was early in my Banking career and was fairly focused on work. It was just mayhem, despite her being in University whilst I was working 70-80 hour weeks regularly, the nagging would not stop, literally, never.

Oh, you bought me a gift? But your handwriting on the card looks messy.
You worked 3 80 hour weeks back to back didn’t organise three dates this week? You don’t care!
You didn’t drive 45 kms from the other end of the city in the opposite direction to your house in peak hour traffic to pick me up from my workplace? You selfish prick!

And that for me was a pretty pathetic relationship, besides the constant bangs, there was nothing in it for me. A leftover skank that had ridden the carousel, with a naggy attitude. So I wore that out, dumped a ton of creampies into her, and discarded her like the 20 odd guys before me.

Then a few years later, whilst abroad, another invisible child. Parents are an ATM machine that give no love. And here comes the problems, nag about this and that and so on. I knew this was one of those so I cut my losses and ended it fast.

It got easier and easier to identify the ones that I would have problems with, I just spoke a different love language, wasn’t into neediness and had expectations. They unfortunately never met them, so no hard feelings.

But did I change much? No, I noticed I just struggle with girls that weren’t raised by loving parents who gave them attention. The expectations of their partner seemed excessive, and of course I got heaps of attention when I was younger so it felt unnatural to me to be that missing “father figure” to them. Some people love it (See them creeper old dudes pulling off their ddlg kink for example).

With experience, I got to know myself better.

But did I change, in what works for me? Definitely not.

Hoarders Haven

I was doing some cleaning the other day and throwing away old clothes that I haven’t worn in years. I realised how much more stuff I had bought whilst living in Australia compared to other places.

It could potentially be seen as me having more space to store them or a more “permanent” home there. But also, I realised a lot of this was to kill time, given there’s generally not much going on on weekdays in Melbourne, especially after the years of lockdown, the tendency would be to buy stuff online.
Compared to living in Asia and Europe where people would often be out after work and have the option to actually be out and do things, you simply don’t have the time to be couped up in your room watching Netflix after dinner most week nights, since there are other options to spend your time.

On top of that, there’s this culture that exists in Australia, similar to the US, of just constantly buying the latest and greatest to fill out space. Latest gadgets? Check. Latest furniture? Check. A new Weber Barbeque? Check. A new road bike with a custom seat? You bet.
I’m sure most people who have worked a Corporate gig in Australia realise that the water cooler banter revolves heavily around purchases and boasting about the latest one.

A “Bunnings run” and a “Kmart run” is now rivaling similar levels of popularity to the famous “Maccas run”.

Yet despite living in a culture of constant consumerism and material purchases, the environment and sustainability are key political topics for most Australians as we saw in the recent elections. I hope we see a change in trends and behaviour rather than be riddled with hypocrisy. But in all honesty, I’d expect nothing less in Melbourne.

Career Choices: Health Vs. Wealth

Ambition and Safety are the two opposites that factor into many career choices. Given the stage of your career and life, answers to which one you should prioritise will differ.

Ambition (Wealth):
Say you’ve just graduated from University or are in that 1–5-year range of commencing your first full-time role, you most likely have all the motivation in the world as the corporate grind hasn’t worn you down just yet. The corporate “perks” still seem like a novelty and furthering yourself through “learning and development opportunities” and “growing your CV” are probably factors that feature high up on your career agenda.

For this stage, ambition is perfect, go on, slave out that role in Investment Banking for a few years, do the equivalent of 8 years of work in 4 years and leverage those skills to find a “cushier” job once you’re ready, or ride up the ladder and stick it out until you no longer want to.

I’ve also come across people who choked hard after university then managed to cover it up with some better roles a few years in, most of these types had a major chip on their shoulder as they struggled to land anything decent straight out the gate and felt the need to prove themselves, so they did, just years later compared to everyone else.

Upsides:

  • You’re wanted and in demand in many more companies across different geographies and industries.
  • Financially you’ll likely be able to command much better remuneration, if not already, then in the future.
  • Pivoting into less demanding roles and industries is much easier than vice-versa, you’ll have a solid work ethic and your expectations of yourself will be a lot higher compared to those around you if you decide to take a step back.
  • The network you build will be with some of the most accomplished people you know. This becomes much more important later as you can get a lot of “favours” from the right people.

Downsides:

  • You will work like a dog and potentially lose some of the best years of your life slaving away late into the night and working weekends.
  • All that stress will very likely impact your health, especially considering you’ll struggle to sleep well and wake up in the middle of the night thinking of work.
  • Aging is a real tragedy when you work a job that you always need to be “switched on” for.
  • Work becoming such a huge part of your life will take a toll on your personal life, many relationships die because one or both parties aren’t able to put in the time, effort, and commitment required to maintain them.

Safety (Health):

Perhaps you’ve done your years slaving it out in Banking, Consulting, or in a top-tier Technology company where you’ve made a bit of bank and cashed out your stock options. The burn it took on your health started to add up and you’re looking for a more cruisey role so you can at least enjoy some time outside of work or focus on relationships/family/hobbies. It would make perfect sense at this stage to prioritise Safety.

However, some people, finish university and do this from the start, sometimes by choice, other times through necessity. There’s nothing wrong with this at all, but to coast from Day 1, when you could do so much more, one must wonder where all that extra energy goes?

The upsides and downsides are basically the opposite of what was written earlier. Less money, more time, better health, lazier network, harder to pivot careers/move abroad, and potential for better social and personal life.

I remember coming across this quote from the Dalai Lama which I feel is relevant to this discussion:

The Dalai Lama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, answered “Man! Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.”

So consider wisely..

Flag Updates

It’s humbling to see privileged Westerners sit around in their armchairs and share their horror at the Russia-Ukraine War situation.

So what do they do to alleviate it?

Update their social media pictures with Ukrainian flags, of course.

Yep, that’ll show Russia! …and all my friends and family that I’m a woke individual that cares about the world and current affairs.

Oh and maybe consider whipping up a Chicken Kyiv tonight for dinner to show further support.

Rainbow Fever

Coming to a Church near you..

Advice I would give to students today

It’s been a while since I finished school and university, and in that time things have changed drastically. We’ve gone to just about every school using personal laptops, we’ve been forced to adapt to remote learning due to the pandemic, and what used to be abnormal, is now normalised.

Here are a few pieces of advice in no particular order I’d give to students today.

  • Don’t just rock up to class and leave
    • Don’t be like everyone else that just simply turns up to class, zones out, then leaves. If you really care about topics, make that time to speak to teachers, tutors and do some background research and express your views on the findings.
  • Balance out useful subjects with easy electives
    • Everyone knows breadth/elective subjects are largely a joke. I’d recommend taking easy subjects when you have semesters that you know that will have a tough time, but also don’t be afraid to put in the time to take on something useful when you’re able to. Some of the skills you’ll pick up might actually come in handy in the future. I’ve had a few friends take coding subjects as electives and now the type of work they do is more focused on that rather than what they actually majored in.
  • Embrace the student life
    • As someone that blazed through a 3 year undergraduate degree and ended up in the world of banking and consulting, I do look back at the whirlwind that was University. It’s a great space of time in your life where you’ll have the time to pursue hobbies, build great friends and learn. Enjoy it, it probably won’t come around in the same form again.
  • Keep in touch with people after graduating
    • Friendships and networks are like plants, they need watering and maintenence for them to keep growing. So instead of slowly losing touch with everyone once you hit the real world, make the effort to maintain connections with people. Go on that coffee catch up or lunch meet up. Don’t be afraid of being the person to follow up on unreplied messages. I can assure you that there’s been so many times where someone I know has ended up introducing me to other people that have been really beneficial for me both on a personal, profesional or social level.
  • Don’t be afraid of the real world
    • So many students (Commerce students in particular..) are so fearful that they will not find a job after University. There’s no real need to be afraid. People I know that struggled after university and did basic jobs for a year or so managed to find something more meaningful and climb the ladder just as fast as someone that got straight into a graduate program. Everyone has their own pace, so don’t be afraid to struggle at the beginning because there’s many paths to achieveing success.

Although the above is not an exhaustive list. I would encourage students to take some of these tips onboard. Hindsight is a valuable tool so always be open to hearing other peoples advice and making the choice as to weather you would think it would be beneficial for you to adopt.