Inside The University of Melbourne

Summer nears and I’m sure a lot of career kids have been spamming their applications and hopefully received a few offers for an intern gig over the long break after the end of semester 2.

So I’ll be happy to drop some huge hints for all those super eager interns to get an edge.

How to dress
Just like their work abilities, summer interns’ fashion is something good for everyone else to laugh at. Avoid this by rocking up and trying to out-dress everyone in the office. It’s your opportunity to really shine since the work you produce obviously won’t be anything great.  Too often though, interns can easily be spotted by their AMAZING Crumpler messenger bags, and well maintained suits from Lowes, maybe try to pull that off so you can let others know that you really mean business. Also, go for some crazy coloured socks, you know, the ones that don’t match at all with the rest of your attire, remember its all about standing out and making your mark with your potential future employer.

P.S. – If you’re a girl (and good looking), dress in super revealing outfits and be a complete cock tease, since most of the work interns produce get thrown out, you need to leaving a lasting memory in some way and this is a good chance.

How to behave
Suck up hard. If you get asked to get coffees, say something like this:
“COFFEE RUN? OH BOY! I LOOOVE COFFEE RUNS! I’D GLADLY GO AND GET COFFEE FOR THE REST OF THE TEAM”
or when you’re asked to pick up the MD’s dry cleaning, something like this would be good:
“WOW, I GET THE PRIVILEGE OF PICKING UP YOUR DRY CLEANING? OH MY THAT’S SUCH A HUGE RESPONSIBILITY BESTOWED UPON ME, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS OPPORTUNITY”
You must realise that all the other interns are saying generic things and just being nice, your aim is to better their responses to the furthermost extent.

When talking to senior staff drop lines such as this

“The MD is amazing, I swear the room changes when he walks in!”

If you’re a back office loser, then just stick to hanging with people you work around, and don’t try to fit in with front office staff. Let’s just say we’ve had countless laughs over back office kings trying very hard to fit in with front office stars.

How hard to work
Basically, your work will be useless and probably get thrown out so don’t work hard at all. Be cocky as fuck, and let everyone know you are a future bawse. Remember: Words speak louder than actions in the intern world. Just stay back cause everyone else is and find some random things to do on your computer. Sometimes just eat lunch at your desk even though you are idle and let everyone know about it too. The aim is to look busy without really being busy, that’s what it’s all about.

Also, just randomly go to “Meetings” and disappear for a few hours throughout the day, you will seem more important and senior staff will start to respect you more for disappearing without much notice. You are showing them how much demand you have at the company!

What to say
Be as vague as you can be, mumble, make awkward pauses and be very indecisive. Make it seem as if what you know is some sort of secret that cannot be openly shared. Statements which make no sense will probably make others feel as if they are inadequate to understand. You know what they say, fake it ’til you make it!

Post Mortem

So you’ve finished your internship and are back at university, two potential scenarios after you intern.

1. You got the offer

When you’re back at University, tell all your friends, and acquaintances of how cool it was, how amazing, interesting and intriguing the work was and how you did so well at exceeding the expectations of the company in regards to your performance!

2. You Didn’t get the offer

Tell everyone how the culture didn’t align well with your personality, or how the values weren’t similar to your personal ones. Maybe throw in how you couldn’t see yourself doing that type of work and how it wasn’t quite your thing. Just downplay it and make it seem like it was some valuable experience and through that experience you now know what you want in the future.