Inside The University of Melbourne

I’ve always been one to question ads, especially personal ads from expired cougars, recovering sluts and desperate sea cows.

This will be a short guide on how decipher the vague and ambiguous personal ads of women online.

It says: “I don’t do the casual dating marathons, or the quick hook-ups.”
Translation: “Back in my prime, I used to put out on the first date pretty regularly, but you’ll have to wait a few months.”

It says: “Educated, strong, career oriented, and driven.”
What she really means: “Must have Ca$h, so I can spend it”

She says: “I am a real woman, I am not a Barbie Doll or super model and I never will be”
What she really means: “Wait until you see me the morning after without make-up.”

She says: “I need a rich man but I don’t want to have to support another child!”
What she really means: “I want all the benefits of a partner, without having to put in any additional work!”

She says: “Curvacious/cuddly/REAL woman”
Reality: “Morbidly obese.”

She says: “A few drinks now and then is fine, just don’t be one of those guys who goes out and gets wasted at every opportunity… ”
What she really means: “Guys regularly cheat on me with the ugliest girl in the bar.”

She says: “You have to be comfortable around kids, as I have a huge family with lots of little cousins.”
What she means is: “I plan on popping them out while you work your way up that middle management ladder.”

It states: “I love having long conversations that just flow from one topic to another… ”
Actually means:  “You have to be able to listen to my nonstop whining and complaining.”

She says: “I am a strong independent woman, looking for a strong independent man. I am not willing to settle anymore for what I have decided is not for me.”
What she really means: “I started purchasing cats last year and will continue to purchase them until I die.”

She says: “I am the mother of a teenager and have decided that it is time to take care of moms needs now.”
What she really means: “I seriously fucked up by having this kid, and I would like to find someone to take care of my child so I can have me-time at Yoga class. ”

She says: “I am looking for a Man who is willing to accept myself and my son as we are.”
What she really means: “Things will never get better, only worse.”

Reality isn’t easy for everyone to accept, but most people see through the vague attempts at redemption.

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