Category Archives: subjects

BCom Majors V: Actuarial Studies

Today’s guest post comes from a past student that majored in Actuarial Studies.

Actuarial Studies


“We slam (Financial) Models and (Red Bull) Bottles”

An actuary is a business professional who deals with the financial impact of risk and uncertainty. Actuaries provide expert assessments of financial security systems, with a focus on their complexity, their mathematics, and their mechanisms

That’s what Wikipedia says, but in reality, it’s one of the easiest majors offered by the The University of Melbourne. Rumours of its difficulty are propagated by retards who haven’t figured out what an integral is. If you enjoy doing boring, brain-dead number crunching, with a cohort that has the social awareness of a dung beetle then Actuarial is definitely something you should seriously consider.

So here are a few typical responses you get when you tell someone you’re studying to be an Actuary.

“Huhhhhh? What is an actually?”

“OMG, you must be like super smart and shit”

Both of these responses indicate the person you are talking to is probably brain-dead, and you should cease talking to them immediately.

Most of you would be wondering by now, what kind of person this shitty major would attract. First of all LOTS and LOTS of FOBs, who are also Career Kids. Deadly combination.

Things don’t get much better if you’re a guy looking to score either. Here’s the reason why: Think of the ugliest girl in your high school year level. Done? Ok, now keep that image in your spank bank, because in Actuarial she’ll start looking like a supermodel real soon.
As for the guys in the course, it doesn’t get much better. Fleece and runners are the uniform of choice and brands such as “Mike” and “Adidis” are well represented. You’ll also have to have a gimpy physique and have no personality in order to truly fit in. One golden tip: Try to make your studies the center of your life, the quicker you do this, the more likely you’ll be accepted amongst the cohort.
Your classmates will be talking in various Asian languages and if you aren’t fluent in any of them, I suggest you learn quickly because you won’t be making too many friends. Discussions in English are a rarity within this major. Also look into obtaining a (Fake) Asian passport, I hear in the future these are going to be checked when you try to rock up to Actuarial events.

Personality-wise the cohort are the biggest losers around, often studying for days non-stop and neglecting any form of activity that would hinder their academic progress. It is very common amongst students to attend the SAME tutorial more than once, students will often re-attend tutorials on different days to gain that “Edge” and beat their fellow students. Oddly enough, the students trying the hardest are the 2nd tier ones that are barely scraping H1’s in a major that just asks to get slayed. Oh and remember, Students enrolling in this major are often the rattiest and most unhelpful types, trying hard to deceive others by appearing naive and aloof in regards to subject related questions from peers.

As for the subjects, here’s a bit of a rundown, of the ones I remember anyway:
Financial Maths III – A slightly harder version of Investments, yet still a joke. Learn about various aspects of portfolio theory and stuff that only the really nerdy kids pretend to (or maybe actually do) care about
Actuarial Modelling I, Actuarial Modelling II – The only models you’ll be seeing in your course.
Contingencies – Same as FM I and II but with probabilities slapped on, besides that can’t remember, don’t care. Haven’t used it at all, since I work in M&A.
Models for Insurance and Finance: This is probably one of the more interesting subjects in the Actuarial major. Probably because it’s not really an Actuarial subject.
Another thing to note, the word “Exemption” will be uttered over and over and over again in conversations, unless you repeat it regularly you will never truly be an Actuarial student and we all want to be one of those!

So what does Actuarial Studies lead to? Well, only a few people end up going on to be a qualified Actuary, a few will get into Investment Banking, some will go to Big 4, some into retail banks. Oh as for FOBs, I’m really not too sure but I do hear the outgoing shipments back to Asia do get pretty full around that time after graduation.
So in summary, what is Actuarial Studies? A few years of involuntary celibacy, boring as fuck numbers and being surrounded by the highest caliber of losers and fuglies. Luckily, I moved on to an Investment Bank after finishing this garbage major few years ago. Even though I work long hours and don’t get much sleep, I still have nightmares about my time in Actuarial.

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BCom Majors II: Management

So in this post, I’ll be continuing on the series of Bachelor of Commerce majors, today it’s Management.

So all throughout the business world we hear words like Manager, Leader etc. Surely majoring in Management will make you something along those lines?

..Hell NO!

The management major is the biggest waste of time one can possible invest in. Basically if you’ve done Organisational Behaviour (Compulsory 2nd year Commerce subject) then you can do almost all of the 3rd year management subjects, which will give you a Management Major aka. Waste of time major.

Before everyone starts raging how I’m being a bit critical about it, just think, most managers don’t just become a major out of nowhere, they do their time and work their way up into managerial roles. A management major where you will discuss garbage management theories from 1929 and the loser who came up with it, will probably not get you to a Managerial role.

The major is basically catered towards Arts students that can basically write garbage in a structured and concise manner. Exams are generally worth 40-60% meaning that you’ll be doing many assignments throughout the semester. Also since the subject really doesn’t have much use of having tutorials, since everything can be rote learned in a matter of hours, you will be expected to “participate” and do lame group activities in your tutorials, often leading to a mark for participation (anywhere to 5-10%, maybe more).

A lot of people that can’t hack real majors will add on the Management major as a second major, but again, doing 3 level-3 subjects about Management doesn’t really change your life too much.

In terms of Graduate prospects, the majority of people in Management majors will be doing it with something else (Common combinations include Marketing/Management & Accounting/Management). This naturally means that they’ll be relying on their other major for their employment prospects. For people doing straight Management majors.. well.. they’d just be looking at general graduate programs, usually these require no skills, just any ol’ uni degree, even arts!

Most people don’t delve into this major, and rightfully so but if you really are bored and don’t want to focus at all on uni, do this. You don’t need to rock up, and can just cram for the exam and still get a decent mark.

A real manager!

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BCom Majors I: Accounting

In my latest series of posts, I’ll be going through each of the majors in Bachelor of Commerce. I may also do some majors for other courses too with some guest posts.

BCom Majors: Accounting

“Because I can’t get a job with any other major”

The accounting major is most popular major of the BCom at UoM. This is reinforced by the multiple lecture streams available for most core accounting subjects. Below is a rundown of the Accounting subjects:

Accounting Reports & Analysis (ARA): Pretty straightforward. Basic bookkeeping. Just a revision of VCE Accounting with a bit of a difference in some content. I don’t see any reason how this subject cannot get smashed, it’s very easy.

Accounting Transactions & Analysis (ATA): Much the same as ARA. Just covers different topics. Another easy subject to score in.

Accounting Processes & Analysis (APA): An absolute joke of a subject covering garbage topics which are very easy to spin some nice BS on. Great average booster if you’re good at BS.

Intermediate Financial Accounting (IFA): Probably the hardest subject in the major. Easy to smash it if you know what you’re doing though. Big consolidation question on the exam is usually pretty fun.

Cost Management (CM): Very easy, lots of easy theory questions which are common sense and then there’s all these costing methods and variances to learn which are pretty simple too. Hear that now there’s a lot more theory in it these days which is probably making the subject even easier, if that’s possible.

Business Finance (Bus Fi): Just simple finance. Mid Semester test for this subject is basically a free 25% since there’s like a few multi-choice questions which are pretty straight forward. Also this is a subject which has massive amounts of FOBs. Don’t be surprised if you’re tutorial has around 90-95% of students being FOB.

Financial Accounting (FA): Lots of lame theory from business finance and some basic working out. Few of the topics are quite interesting but most of this subject is largely garbage.

Auditing & Assurance Services (Audit): Absolute joke of a subject. Impossible to fail, Easy to H1, hard to get 90+ on.

Enterprise Performance Management (EPM): A mix of Organisational Behaviour and Cost Management according to most people. Much the same as auditing in terms of scores. Hard to fail.

Principles of Business Law (PBL): Easy H1 with a ton of rote learning and regular quizzes.

Corporate Law (Corp): Content is quite interesting, subject is generally not bad. Exam weighting is heavy however, so just cram during SWOTVAC.

Taxation Law (Tax): Ratty and very lame content. Not too difficult to get H1 but tough to get 90s. Get a good partner for the assignment.

The FOB contingent is high for the Accounting major, as it’s basically a permanent residency factory for most FOBs, but don’t let that deter you from pursuing it! There’s still plenty of local students in it too.

In terms of career outcomes for graduates, most go into professional services like the big 4, the less worthy go to mid tiers, some go straight into industry, and the super geniuses go into government since the exit opportunities from the APS are amazing and going to Canberra is cool and super fun!

Most of the locals will end up being employed prior to graduation unless they’ve got a horrid transcript, even then most still get decent jobs. For FOBs, they usually try to get PR and get a job here or end up back home or in a nearby country.

Oh, and before someone goes through and starts picking out grammar and spelling mistakes, just note that this post was written on my phone during a commute in a foreign country and I can’t be bothered going through and fixing it all.

Joke Breadth Subjects!

A lot of students will have or are in the process of finalising their subjects for this upcoming semester. Under the Melbourne Model, all undergraduate courses have breadth subject requirements, which if you don’t already know, are basically forced elective outside of your faculty.

Many students are encouraged to be picking breadth subjects which they have an interest in, whereas in reality, students are usually picking the easiest, most retarded subjects to bolster their averages.

Here’s a bit of a guide in picking breadth subjects.

If you really want to do something you have an interest in, then sure, go right ahead, you’ll probably end up doing well if you enjoy the content.

But, if you’re after an absolute joke of a breadth subject which you really don’t aim to put much effort into and get a decent mark in, then focus on subjects offered by the following faculties.

Music – All the lower level subjects here are entertainingly easy. The patterns for most of the subjects under the music faculty are as follows: You basically rock up, mess around with instruments, get marks for participation, write up one, two or three trash essays and submit.

Also, if you can actually play an instrument, then pretend that you can’t actually play that instrument at all and that you’re an absolute beginner at the beginning of the semester.  This way, you can “Wow!” the tutor at the end of the semester by showing how much you’ve improved and that easy H1 will be confirmed.

University-wide breadth – Being university-wide breadth just means that it’s a breadth subject regardless of what course you do. Most of these are pretty easy, but I’ve heard a few people whinge about some poorly taught and harshly marked subjects within this category, but more likely than not, it’ll be a joke.

The most legendary joke breadth subject, Australia in the Wine World falls under University-wide breadth category. That should give you an indication of the level of seriousness the subjects under this category should be treated with.

Education – No surprises here, the education faculty is a well-known joke amongst all students, and naturally, so are their subjects. Subjects such as Sports Coaching: Theory and Practice really do just ask to get destroyed.

Mathematics – This won’t apply to everyone, but it’s common to see some non-science students who are quite strong at Maths do very easy maths subjects for breadth like Calculus 1. Obviously they will get at least 90 in that subject since its rather straight forward, but if you’re not good at maths or numbers in general, then avoid it.

Languages – If you know another language aside from English at a pretty decent level, then you should try to find the most beginner variation of that language to do as breadth. For FOBs, this usually means doing Chinese 1A and getting a huge mark in it to make up for their sub-standard marks in their core subjects.

Lastly, intensive subjects which you can do over a week or two during mid-semester break or winter break are a great way to minimise your workload for a difficult upcoming semester. In order to find them just use the Breadth Search page on the University’s website.

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