Inside The University of Melbourne

Alright, gather round, social media groupies—let’s have a little chat, shall we? You know the drill. You’re scrolling through Instagram, trying to mind your own business, when BAM! Another nauseating couple photo floods your feed. She’s gazing at him like he’s Ryan Gosling and not some bloke who leaves the toilet seat up, while he’s captioned it with something like “Every day is Valentine’s Day with you, boo 😘”.

Honestly, if your relationship is so bloody fantastic, why do you need to convince us all? Here’s a hot take: maybe the sign of a good relationship is absolutely no trace of it on social media. Zero. Zilch. Nada.

Yes, I’m talking about that couple who’s happily loved up but doesn’t feel the need to plaster it all over your feed. Let’s break down why those who keep their relationships offline might actually be winning at this whole love game, while the rest of you are busy adding the perfect filter to your breakfast-in-bed photo.

1. Keeping It Between You, Your Partner, and Not a Single Other Soul

Let’s face it: your best moments aren’t the ones that make it to Instagram. The deep chats at 2 a.m., the lazy Sunday mornings in your mismatched pyjamas, the silly inside jokes that would get you a one-way ticket to a mental ward if you posted them—these are the moments that matter.

But no, you lot are too busy live-tweeting your date night or setting up your iPhone for that perfect couple selfie at the beach. God forbid you enjoy a moment without the approval of your 376 followers. Meanwhile, those in a genuinely happy relationship are busy doing something crazy: actually enjoying each other’s company without stopping for a quick Insta story update. Mind-blowing, I know.

2. The ‘Perfect Relationship’ Illusion You’re Selling? Yeah, We’re Not Buying It

We all know that social media is about as real as a Kardashian’s face. Yet, here you are, curating your couple’s feed like you’re up for a Pulitzer. All those smiley photos, sunset kisses, and perfectly posed shots? We see through it. We know you were probably bickering in the car park before snapping that “candid” shot.

The thing is, nobody’s buying it—except maybe that one aunt who always comments, “You two are #relationshipgoals 💖.” And here’s a fun fact: the couples who aren’t posting every bloody detail of their relationship? They’re not spending half their time performing happiness for an audience. They’re too busy, you know, actually living it.

3. Let’s Talk About the Peanut Gallery

Oh, but you love the attention, don’t you? Because once you put your relationship on social media, you’ve basically invited your old school mates, that creepy guy from accounting, and Susan from spin class into your relationship. And guess what? They all have an opinion on it.

“OMG, you guys are so cute!” “Aww, when’s the wedding?” “Is everything okay? Haven’t seen a couple post in a while…” Seriously, why do you care? Half these people wouldn’t recognise you in the street, yet you’re letting them weigh in on the most personal parts of your life. Meanwhile, those who keep their relationship offline? They don’t have to deal with a thousand unwelcome opinions. They’ve figured out that the only people whose thoughts actually matter are theirs. What a concept!

4. Being Present: Something You Lot Haven’t Heard Of

Remember the days when we could enjoy a meal without feeling the urge to photograph it from five different angles? Yeah, neither do you. And the same applies to your relationship. You’re out with your partner, but instead of actually talking to them, you’re both on your phones, trying to get the perfect shot of your avocado toast.

The irony here is thicker than your oat milk latte. Couples who don’t splash their relationship all over social media have a revolutionary approach: they actually pay attention to each other. They don’t need to prove to the world that they had a great time because they were too busy, you know, having one.

5. Secure, Confident, and Not Bothered with Your #CoupleGoals Hashtag

Look, I get it. You’ve been brainwashed by the social media machine to believe that if it isn’t online, it didn’t happen. But here’s the thing: just because someone isn’t posting about their partner every other day doesn’t mean they’re hiding something. Maybe they’re just secure enough not to need the dopamine rush of 100 likes every time they post a couples’ photo.

The couples who don’t overshare? They’re not keeping secrets; they’re just not interested in your opinions, Karen. They’ve figured out that their relationship isn’t a public spectacle, and they don’t need to update you on every little thing. When you’re genuinely happy, you’re not trying to prove it to anyone.

So, the next time you’re scrolling through Instagram, and you don’t see any evidence of your mate’s new partner, don’t assume they’re miserable. Maybe they’re just too busy enjoying a relationship that isn’t fuelled by validation from strangers on the internet.

But hey, keep doing you. Post that couple selfie. Just don’t be surprised when we’re all rolling our eyes.