Inside The University of Melbourne

Since a lot of new freshers will be slowly coming to terms with life at the university over the coming weeks, I thought this entry was appropriate.

Here are some useful tips for all new students starting at The University of Melbourne this year. I’ve taken the opportunity to have them broken down so it’s easier to remember than large slabs of text.

Lecture etiquette

Lectures are for talking. Why else would the seats be so closely positioned? Utilise this convenience and talk as freely as you want.  Also, try to ignore the distracting speaker at the front; you will get better at this with experience.

Navigating around the campus

So, Orientation week has concluded and classes have begun.

You’re obviously lost, and have been forced to use the map from your diary constantly to find the right buildings for your classes. This is grand, now all the latter year students will know that you’re a fresher, but don’t worry, you’re still cool! You too will be one of them next year!

Coolness

In order to be cool, you must wear your rugby top or hoodie from your high school; it’s a form of “peacocking”, so you can attract peers from your high school, and also stand out amongst a crowd. This is a perfect chance to show off the fact that you went to top school such as PLC, or MGS, or MHS, and maybe, just maybe, an opportunity to drop your ATAR score.

Another method of letting people know what school you went to is as follows.

Instead of saying:

“Back in high school…”

You say, for example:

“Back at Scotch...”

This regulates the dominance in your favour when speaking to new people. Remember, you don’t have to wait around for someone to ask what school you went to, bring it up as much as you can without anyone asking!

Note: Do not attempt any of the above if you attended a terrible school.

ATAR/ENTER

The ATAR/ENTER score is the perfect means to demonstrate your value. It is a number that defines you, a means to gain respect, a humble conversation starter. Drop it as many times as you can, but only do this if you got 99+ or else you’re just average, and nobody respects average people.

Friends

So you’ve met someone in your first tutorial; you should definitely refer them as your “friend”, because maybe if you do, they will become your friend. This is a successfully proven method.

Students from shitty suburbs

You’ve met someone that came from a school in a dodgy suburb. This is an example of how a conversation should be held.

Them: Oh, so what school did you go to?

You: MLC, you?

Them: Ringwood Secondary College

You: (In a derogatory tone) Ringwood…

Basically you must repeat the suburb name in a deprecating manner in order to gain their respect. This will win you many friends. You will get further than them in life.

Ice-breakers in first tutorial

Your tutor will most likely go around the room and ask everyone to introduce themselves. You’ll more than likely be asked your name, your potential majors, and one thing you did last summer.

For that last question, you should always respond with someone like “I pre-read all my textbooks over summer” or when you’re in second or third years respond like this “I did an internship at ____ and I’m only just starting practice exams for this subject!” There are two key parts to this, you MUST brag about your internship to your fellow peers to gain their respect, but to be humble you must lie and tell them that you’re only just starting practice exams for the subject, when in fact you’ve already started writing your own practice exams, after completing all the available ones.

Also, you may be asked to talk a little about yourself. This is how you should approach this question

“My name is ___, and I want to be a [Dream job title/profession]”

This will show how determined you are and people will respect you and want to be your friend. Nobody really cares that you like long walks by the beach or eating Italian food, they only want to know what you aim to be in the future, this will be a means to infer your worth.

Gaining respect within your tutorial

Put your hand up for every question, even if you don’t know the answer, this shows everyone you have initiative, people will think you’re an absolute king/queen if you do. Your peers will think “Wow, this person must know it all” even when you blurt out wrong answers, because as mentioned before, it’s all in the appearance!

If you want to take this a step further and show that you really are the master, then you must attempt to correct your tutor. Do this even if you’re not sure if he or she is incorrect. Just trying to, is a show of how knowledgeable you are, regardless of how legitimate your replacement answer is. Remember, it’s not what you say that counts; it’s how you say it. Yelling out a wrong answer confidently is cooler than responding with a correct answer quietly. Respect from all the students in the tutorial will ensue.

Also, one final tip: Give your opinion on everything; you have a higher sense of self-entitlement than everyone in your tutorial. Your input really matters to everyone in the tutorial; they will gleam in enlightenment from your views.

These aforementioned tips should get you through your first few weeks at The University of Melbourne without any dramas.

This can act as a foundation of you attaining long-term coolness, such as what we see below.

In other news, check out the blog’s very own Twitter:

https://twitter.com/MelbUniBlog/

Next Post: I haven’t actually decided yet.. so maybe it’s time for a surprise!