Inside The University of Melbourne

I decided to continue with the theme of posts revolving around the impending return to university.

This post is perfect for all the students entering another year of UoM, essentially, all the students that are not entering university for the first time.

Now that you’ve been at the university for more than a semester, you must have a sense of entitlement and importance. You know more than the new students, you have an idea of how to approach your studies and you have an idea of what to expect for this upcoming year. Make this be known to every new student. You will become highly respected and valued. Freshers will look up to you as their idols. Your value as a human being will increase exponentially.

Being a later year student, your paramount goal is to look down on every new student. You should whinge and rant about how annoying the freshers are, or how they stole your usual spot on South Lawn, or how their jokes suck. Just try to find any small potential flaw that new students may present and repeatedly exploit it to increase your perceived worth. The more you rant and whinge, the cooler you will appear.

Also, absolutely ignore the fact that not so long ago, you too were a fresher, this never needs to be brought up, because right now, you’re that much better than what they ever will be.

If, for whatever reason, a question arises about your initial days at the university, here is a powerful strategy to combat it.

Always mention how things were better back when you started, as for example:

New Student: “How was Orientation when you were a jaffy?”

2nd Year Student: “Yeah things were awesome back then, so much better than now”

New Student: “Oh, how so?”

2nd Year Student: “You know, stuff was just better, it just was”

You could also throw in something like “You’ll realise what I mean when you’ve been here a while like me”

You never need to really elaborate why things were “better” but just be adamant in the fact that your first days at university were undoubtedly better.
Even though someone has picked up and pointed out that you were once a fresher, you have mitigated the potential hazard by maintaining your superiority, whilst also repeating the fact that you’ve been a student at the university for a while.

For students getting questions relating to specific subjects, you must scare the freshers by mentioning things such as the following:

“University is so much harder than High School”

“[Subject name] is so hard, a lot of kids failed when I did it, but I got H1”

“Most new students find that subject very difficult, but I managed to do well”

Regardless of how difficult the subject really is or what grade you actually got, you must make it seem to the new student that everything is very difficult, but you still creamed it and did very well. You will sound like an absolute genius and further maintain your dominance over them.

Above is an example of how you should assert dominance over first year students, metaphorically of course!

These tips will definitely assist you greatly in becoming the coolest person you can be. Remember though; only tell your close friends where you got these cool ideas from, you don’t want everyone trying to copy your new found style!