Category Archives: Student Profile

Sep 30 2012
21 Comments
Majors, Student Profile, subjects

BCom Majors V: Actuarial Studies

Today’s guest post comes from a past student that majored in Actuarial Studies.

Actuarial Studies


“We slam (Financial) Models and (Red Bull) Bottles”

An actuary is a business professional who deals with the financial impact of risk and uncertainty. Actuaries provide expert assessments of financial security systems, with a focus on their complexity, their mathematics, and their mechanisms

That’s what Wikipedia says, but in reality, it’s one of the easiest majors offered by the The University of Melbourne. Rumours of its difficulty are propagated by retards who haven’t figured out what an integral is. If you enjoy doing boring, brain-dead number crunching, with a cohort that has the social awareness of a dung beetle then Actuarial is definitely something you should seriously consider.

So here are a few typical responses you get when you tell someone you’re studying to be an Actuary.

“Huhhhhh? What is an actually?”

“OMG, you must be like super smart and shit”

Both of these responses indicate the person you are talking to is probably brain-dead, and you should cease talking to them immediately.

Most of you would be wondering by now, what kind of person this shitty major would attract. First of all LOTS and LOTS of FOBs, who are also Career Kids. Deadly combination.

Things don’t get much better if you’re a guy looking to score either. Here’s the reason why: Think of the ugliest girl in your high school year level. Done? Ok, now keep that image in your spank bank, because in Actuarial she’ll start looking like a supermodel real soon.
As for the guys in the course, it doesn’t get much better. Fleece and runners are the uniform of choice and brands such as “Mike” and “Adidis” are well represented. You’ll also have to have a gimpy physique and have no personality in order to truly fit in. One golden tip: Try to make your studies the center of your life, the quicker you do this, the more likely you’ll be accepted amongst the cohort.
Your classmates will be talking in various Asian languages and if you aren’t fluent in any of them, I suggest you learn quickly because you won’t be making too many friends. Discussions in English are a rarity within this major. Also look into obtaining a (Fake) Asian passport, I hear in the future these are going to be checked when you try to rock up to Actuarial events.

Personality-wise the cohort are the biggest losers around, often studying for days non-stop and neglecting any form of activity that would hinder their academic progress. It is very common amongst students to attend the SAME tutorial more than once, students will often re-attend tutorials on different days to gain that “Edge” and beat their fellow students. Oddly enough, the students trying the hardest are the 2nd tier ones that are barely scraping H1’s in a major that just asks to get slayed. Oh and remember, Students enrolling in this major are often the rattiest and most unhelpful types, trying hard to deceive others by appearing naive and aloof in regards to subject related questions from peers.

As for the subjects, here’s a bit of a rundown, of the ones I remember anyway:
Financial Maths III – A slightly harder version of Investments, yet still a joke. Learn about various aspects of portfolio theory and stuff that only the really nerdy kids pretend to (or maybe actually do) care about
Actuarial Modelling I, Actuarial Modelling II – The only models you’ll be seeing in your course.
Contingencies – Same as FM I and II but with probabilities slapped on, besides that can’t remember, don’t care. Haven’t used it at all, since I work in M&A.
Models for Insurance and Finance: This is probably one of the more interesting subjects in the Actuarial major. Probably because it’s not really an Actuarial subject.
Another thing to note, the word “Exemption” will be uttered over and over and over again in conversations, unless you repeat it regularly you will never truly be an Actuarial student and we all want to be one of those!

So what does Actuarial Studies lead to? Well, only a few people end up going on to be a qualified Actuary, a few will get into Investment Banking, some will go to Big 4, some into retail banks. Oh as for FOBs, I’m really not too sure but I do hear the outgoing shipments back to Asia do get pretty full around that time after graduation.
So in summary, what is Actuarial Studies? A few years of involuntary celibacy, boring as fuck numbers and being surrounded by the highest caliber of losers and fuglies. Luckily, I moved on to an Investment Bank after finishing this garbage major few years ago. Even though I work long hours and don’t get much sleep, I still have nightmares about my time in Actuarial.

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Follow the Blog on Twitter @MelbUniBlog

Aug 31 2012
33 Comments
Culture, Student Profile

Feminazi Losers

feminism2

The joke that is feminism continues to be huge fad for many self-entitled students at The University of Melbourne. I would gladly say that the majority of these students would be Angry Arts Students who are also probably ugly too.

The common argument  put up frequently by depleted feminists is that men have more power than women, that men control the world and that women are oppressed as a result. So instead you’ll see Feminazi’s rebel against the social expectation to look feminine by cutting their hair short, rocking hipster glasses, dressing with clothes from an op-shop and not shaving their armpits for months to show off how “liberated”, “confident” and “strong-willed” they are.

Now note, most of these feminist losers probably have never received any attention from the opposite sex in their whole life so they aren’t losing much by looking like homeless tramps and whining about how “unfair” the world is and how opening a door for a woman is sexist since they are perfectly capable of doing it themselves.

Ok, so you missed out big time in the genetic lottery and look pretty terrible, so to feel remotely good about yourself, you need to waste time and find something to blame for your shortcomings, so jumping on the feminism bandwagon will do!

Arguing with a Feminist is honestly similar to arguing with a child, there’s no way they will accept a valid argument, their minds are made up, anything which disagrees with their view will land you with the label of “Misogynist”.

Some of these Feminist tools will study pathetically useless subjects such as Gender Studies, where the lecturer will be some jaded, washed up, spinster preaching nonsense which tries to substantiate why their own lives are so meaningless and how men are behind her lack of success. Unfortunately the geniuses studying this subject won’t ever dare to go against the garbage spat out by the lecturer and are likely to be the next generation of Feminist failures.

So where do these Feminist losers end up? Well, since most of them do useless degrees and regurgitate garbage essays and protest all day about useless issues which nobody could care less about, they end up with some shitty job and a depressing existence filled with whinging. Maybe, reading The Huffington Post will give them some temporary relief from their rage-filled lives. A few will end up lonely and probably focus solely on their career in an attempt to cover up their inadequacies in other aspects of their sad existence. Often, to fill up the void of a man in their lives they will utter garbage such as “I’m a STRONG, INDEPENDENT, CAREER DRIVEN woman” or maybe something like “I don’t need a man, I have a job, car, house” or even worse “No man is good enough for me, they are all pigs”

Doing something wrong, and then playing the victim of how the world is against you and using the rubric of Feminism to further back-up your illogical argument isn’t going to get you far, maybe joining this fad is just a nice way to kill time for these bored, visually unattractive spinsters.

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Aug 18 2012
43 Comments
Student Profile

Oh, I do (Bio) Medicine!

Medical-Research

Bachelor of Biomedicine

A course with a clearly-in ATAR of around 99 at The University of Melbourne so you should be proud to be in it right? However, many in the course are probably dissatisfied.
Often, in the first few weeks many of the core Biomedicine subjects lecturers will ask the class to put their hands up if they want/wanted to do Medicine. Usually, almost every hand goes up in response to this. Looks like many didn’t get what they really wanted.

So you’re studying Biomedicine, chances are you didn’t get into Monash MBBS, Didn’t want to/couldn’t afford to go to a joke university interstate and now are left with an undergraduate course which has no guarantees for your future.

The realisation of missing out on undergraduate Medicine probably really kicks in when classes start, when you start doing a few irrelevant subjects and realise that an average UMAT or interview really has cost you a couple of years at least (Assuming you get into a Post-graduate Medicine pathway). In addition to that is the uncertainty, which will often drive you to study a bit harder where as most MBBS kids will be chilling the first couple of years of their course. You’ll always be around nerdy kids constantly talking about studying hard and maintaining huge averages in the early part of your course, then in the latter part, it will be about GAMSAT scores and interviews and offers. A bit similar to entering university for the first time after finishing VCE. The constant pursuit of post-graduate pathways such as Medicine, Dentistry, Physiotherapy etc. will always leave you feeling unsatisfied with your current course, as it is really only a stepping stone to what you really want(ed).

In the meantime, as a bit of a consolation many students doing Biomedicine will often mention that they do Medicine to people who are not affiliated with The University of Melbourne. Often throwing in some random Biology terms in conversations to further validate their claim.

It’s not all bad for Biomed students, on the upside, the cohort is probably more studious than the kids studying Science, since the university pretty much lets anybody into that course, so they have something to look down on.

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Tagged
Aug 11 2012
37 Comments
Culture, Student Profile

Angry Arts Students

“But.. we’re studying what we love?!“

Now I’m sure everyone considers a Bachelor of Arts to be a complete joke (Personally, I thought Commerce was a complete joke too!) But unfortunately there are some deluded students out there who think otherwise.

A friend of mine recently took some retard-friendly breadth subject from the Arts faculty so they could relax and only focus on core subjects.

So how did it go? Not so great… The cohort was the main problem from what I’ve been told.

Now seriously, a class filled with latte-sipping, Beret-wearing, leftist losers constantly whinging about useless issues which nobody could care less about isn’t exactly a dream cohort especially when you’re looking to just sleep through classes and attain a perfunctory H1.

The real problem is that many Arts students feel as if they constantly express their views that it will make a difference and the world will change, just because they argued their point over and over and over again. Very logical thinking. This often leads to in-class discussion which gets very heated, not that the tutor minds though. Why? Because the tutor can just step back and watch the stubborn students debate about their opinions and ideologies, while the tutor “facilitates” it by asking some super generic questions and making vague statements so they can continue to appear that they really care (Before you begin the usual rage, just note that a friend of mine actually tutored a couple of Arts subjects and said this herself).

Luckily, the saving grace for my friend (Who did manage to get H1), was that the content was so obvious that the majority of it can be understood well with absolutely no attendance. Yet somehow there are Arts retards who actually major in this field  and struggle to get H2B’s and H2A’s. Absolute geniuses!

Luckily though, as time passes, most of the Arts students will get what they deserve, which is often entry into a useless Masters Program (Goooo Melbourne model!), a DipEd and a passive teaching gig (Ambitious yo!), the longer path to a law career (By doing a JD and hoping for the best in entering the saturated Law graduate market) or maybe a lovely retail or fast-food gig (Sorry, had to throw in the Arts graduate stereotype).

The sad truth is a few years spent reading useless texts, writing garbage essays, debating hopeless issues won’t exactly get you too far unless you’ve got other things going for you. Life isn’t fair.

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Oh and I’m not expecting any Arts kids to accept anything written in this post. Just go back to picking out spelling mistakes and grammars throughout the blog. Oh and arguing too. Stay delusional guys!

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Also, remember to follow the blog on Twitter @MelbUniBlog

Jun 01 2012
13 Comments
Student Profile

Worrying Whingers!

So… here we are now, after a long semester of classes, it’s time for SWOTVAC. Technically it’s “Study Without Teaching Vacation”, but for most it’s “WAKE UP FOR EXAMS” vacation.

It’s a quiet period on-campus at The University of Melbourne, with no classes on, most students are flocking to the study areas to either extensively revise or actually look at their subject materials for the first time.

But beware, there are Worrying Whingers…

Nobody likes exams, but with the presence of annoying students who constantly whinge about their “lack” of studying, it doesn’t make things better.

We’ve all come across this type of student before as they are pretty popular at The University of Melbourne.

Worrying Whingers are the type that post a Facebook or Twitter status every hour with something like..

“OMG OMG I’M SO GOING TO FAIL!!!!”

Or
“EXAM TOMORROW – BUT I WATCHED ____ INSTEAD OF STUDYING TODAY! I AM SO SCREWED!!!!!”

Further characteristics of their behaviour include vague responses when asking for assistance regarding university study or just mentioning they have “no idea” regarding a topic, when in all honesty they have probably revised it extensively.

In reality, nobody respects nor likes these students. Nobody really cares about their bothersome whinging either.

However, some of them do actually live up to their word and fail (Yeah, with all that time spent letting everyone know of their misery through every form of social media imaginable, it’s not a big surprise!)

But the majority don’t as they are often studying aggressively and put forward the false pretense to everyone that they are not.
I’m sure some of my readers will also be guilty of this behaviour too, but there’s always at least person who we all know that is a bit excessive in this behaviour.

Also, Many of these worrying whingers will be Career Kids or FOBs.

Here’s some ways to deal with them:

1. Do NOT give them validation or comfort.
Don’t just say they are “going to be ok” when they whinge about how they will fail.
Instead, say something like “Yeah, have fun repeating next semester”.

2. Ignore Facebook and Twitter status updates.
I think once there are little or no responses, their thick brains will finally absorb the fact that nobody cares about how the epicenter of the world isn’t based around their sad life of study, but then again, don’t be surprised if they continue, they seek attention after all.

3. Avoid these students before an exam.
They are the absolute worst people you can surround yourself with before an exam.
They will make you more nervous and insecure about your own performance with their over-anxiety and irritating last-minute self-doubt.

Follow these tips religiously.

 

In all sincerity, good luck for exams guys!

 

 

Tagged
May 26 2012
12 Comments
Student Profile

The Private Schooler

Today I’ll go over The Private Schooler. Yes, this is another stereotype which most students at the university will bump into.

The Private Schooler, as the name suggests the the breed of student that has attended a top private school, probably in the inner east or inner bayside areas and preferably also reside in these areas too. Common examples of these schools are Scotch College, Melbourne Grammar, Xavier College & Camberwell Grammar. The students will usually get a solid ENTER/ATAR score (Even the retarded ones will get a decent spoon-fed score) and have many friends who will end up at UoM with them, potentially doing the same course as them.

After being nursed through VCE with their hard-working teachers and strong school environment, many of the Private Schoolers come to UoM not really knowing what to expect. Often they herd together with common groupings being students of the same private school, nearby private schools, APS sports opponents, and sister schools.

A vast majority of the male students from this group will excel in sports (AFL, Rowing, Rugby etc.), be fit, and also quite extroverted. Many of which will not really bother studying throughout university too hard as their personality and general likeability will get them more success in life than dweebish nerds and fobs which basically dominate the university population. If not, the connections which they have attained through their social networks or their parents will probably be enough for them to land a decent gig after graduating.There are a few that do study hard and also have great people skills to go with them which generally mean they’ll end up in a true top tier position in no time.This will generally breed much envy from nerdy losers that tried harder academically but didn’t end up obtaining the same level of success.

In terms of Private School girls, they will often have strong self-confidence (Much of this depends on looks of course!) and also display many positive traits which are similar to their male private school counterparts. Again, just an observation, it’s not always the case, since generalising would be a crime now, wouldn’t it ?!

Many Private Schoolers will be spending their summers overseas in exotic locations, relaxing, while most other students will be lightening their future study load by undertaking summer classes or working hard in some role which they believe will enhance their prospects of success in the future. As usual, the Private Schooler will more than likely be more successful in attaining that dream job that these other students have been drooling over all throughout their university life.

In the workforce, Private Schoolers will generally go further up the corporate ladder than their fobby counterparts. By building close rapport with key people and allowing their non-work related conversation to dominate their perception, they will often not be as technically sound in the actual work as a socially-awkard dweeb but their personality will leave a good impression on the people that matter which will result in a greater level of success, in the majority of cases.

As much as people deny it, many senior roles have a strong preference for white people. Don’t start hating me for telling the truth, click the link and read calmly without raging.

Until next time!

Bye!

 

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Remember to follow the blog on Twitter @MelbUniBlog

Tagged
Apr 25 2012
17 Comments
FOB, Student Profile

FOBs (Part III) – Demeanour

So the FOBs series continues! Now, I’m sure that I’ll get a lot of people raging over this, but honestly, I couldn’t care less.

Tutorials

So we’ve all had tutorials that have been dominated by FOBs, right? Those tutorials for me were undoubtedly the worst, most awkward and boring tutorials ever.

Silent FOBs
I re-collect a couple of years ago a tutor mentioning how one particular tutorial he takes is quieter than his any of his lectures (Note: This tutorial was around 95% FOBs). The silent FOBs generally just sit there copying down answers and not really contributing, which is alright usually, since most tutors will speed through the content and hopefully most people will understand. There are tutors however, that always try to engage their students and ask a ton of questions throughout the tutorial. Now, these are the ones which generally have all those awkward silences throughout the semester when a tutor asks the class a question because silent FOBS will either

A) Will genuinely be clueless, or

B) Know the answer but still not say it

Also, some silent FOBs will probably be staying back after class to ask the tutor a question instead of asking during the class when the tutor asks if there’s any questions.

Information-Hungry FOBs

There are also some FOBs that ask a ton of questions which

A) Make absolutely no sense

B) Are super super obvious

C) Have nothing to do with the course, or

D) In rare cases, are decent questions

Often, A, B and C will occur in subjects where participation marks are given (Usually this is not more than 10% at most)

Group Assignments

Group Assignments, love them or hate them, but chances are you’ll probably have to do one at some stage.

Useless FOBs

These are the worst types I think. So, you get given a group assignment, unfortunately you have a FOB in your group and the FOB is either..

A) Completely incapable of doing his or her part (Probably due to lackluster writing ability) or..

B) Slack and really doesn’t care

In the end you’ll have to do their part and work a bit harder.

Demanding FOBs

This usually occurs when you are put into a group which is mainly comprised of FOBs. The demanding FOBs will usually push you to work very hard and probably complete the assignment well before the due date. I have a friend that receives text messages on almost a daily basis (including weekends too!) demanding improvements to the group assignment he was working on with a group of really eager FOBs. Just be sure to cross-check their work to see if its on the right track, cause the last thing you want is incoherent work from them.

Tagged
Mar 31 2012
17 Comments
FAQ, Informational, Majors, Student Profile

The Career Kid!

Ahh, it’s that time of the year again, when many final year students realise that they must start to decide on what they’ll be doing next year in terms of employment.

Now in my course there were a bunch of career losers, yes, a LOT. The University of Melbourne is probably renowned for these types of students.

Now let me describe the stereotypical career loser.

Generally, this is the type of student who isn’t exceptionally talented, maybe just slightly above average at the very best, but usually average or slightly below. They CONSTANTLY just think about their career prospects. From bitching about their marks, to whining about how they got rejected when their less career-focused friend got the offer at firm X or company Y.

No, this is not some nerd who just wants to get a killer transcript, and then tear it up in the real world; these losers are the ones that think that rocking up to a careers event is going to give them a massive edge over their peers.

Often, they are very very ratty, they won’t reveal information about what jobs they applied for, will not help anyone else out in anything job/uni related (including their friends) and are absolute dogs when it comes to passing on assignments to others.

Example:

Kid A: Hey dude, did you apply for firm X’s vacation program?

Kid B: Nah man, they open?!

Kid A: They closed weeks ago!

*Two weeks later*

Kid A: Hey, I got rejected at firm X at the final stage

Kid B: Oh I actually got an offer from firm X

Kid A: ??!?!

Now, imagine the awkwardness… this is normal for career losers though.

Usually, without sounding overly racist, these kids are usually Asian (I’m expecting some raging from this, but it’s just merely an observation), but obviously this isn’t always the case, a few white kids and curries are also of this mould.

Career kids will always be discussing dates of applications opening and wheather anyone has heard back from X company in regards to their Y position. They will often have “friends” who they solely discuss job prospects with, nothing else. A catch up with these “friends” will probably entail trying to gain information regarding the group stage of Company X’s process and what types of questions to prepare for. Basically, prepare to be used by these type of people if you are their so called “friends”.

Most career kids will spend extensive time on trying to bolster up their resumes so they can have a chance to get their desired jobs. More often then not, they do not attain that dream.

Career Fairs:

This is basically Christmas for Career kids. There are a couple of these during the year and are basically opportunities for companies to spit their propaganda about how great they are. Career kids will be anticipating these events for months, by preparing questions, picking out what to wear, how to do their hair and the persona they will adopt during the fair.

Now the only reason you should go to these is to leech the freebies (Usually company stationary) which they offer, nothing else. The information being presented is often found on their website or just Googled. There is no point trying to go there and impress the representatives and think you’ll now be ahead of your peers, because you spoke to an employee of your dream company.

It’s very rare that talking to a Junior HR Consultant or Junior Analyst at Company Z is going to get you a gig there. All you’ll really hear is the lame generic responses from their website, with a fun twist on it.

Aims:

Most loser career kids in Commerce will be aiming to get into the Holy Grail of Finance that is Investment Banking. Now, considering how small the investment banking intake is in Australia (and the field in general), it’s unlikely any of these career losers will actually get “snapped up”.

Let’s look at it from another point of view: Investment Bank A plans to hire 3 graduates Australia-wide for 2012, 421 Career losers turn out to their Sydney & Melbourne industry nights. There is a good chance that the people who actually do get into Investment Bank A aren’t even at the event. All that time and effort to rock up, with no real gain.

Here’s a real life example of a career loser:

I was talking to someone and asked them what their plans were for the winter break back last year and this is the response I got:

“Yeah, bolster up my resume these holidays so I can get an Institutional Role at one of the Big 4 Banks, basically it’s IB at a smaller level!”

This is the model response you should aim to give when you are a career loser. Your existence revolves around your career, not your friends, not your family, not your hobbies, but the job you do.

I can imagine talking to these people in a social setting, everything asked by them will be in an interview-style question, which is why I generally avoid career losers.

Another example:

I was walking around university back last year and saw something really interesting.

In one of the study rooms in Frank Tate building there were 5 fobs doing one of those online tests as part of many recruitment processes these days.

1 Fob was at the white board drawing stuff, another was with a calculator sitting next to the fob who was inputting responses on to the laptop whilst another fob was there sitting with a piece of paper working things out. The last fob had a stop watch in his hand.

After seeing this, I really was shocked.

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